Tùy Bút

Missing mom in spring

Update: 02/03/2015
Dear Mom! Today, my colleagues in school are preparing their packages to go back to their own pagoda to welcome Tet holidays with their master. The others are going back their hometown after years; everyone smiles happily.

Missing mom in spring


The weather is turning to spring. Flowers are showing\r\nbeauty. Everything is celebrated to welcome a new\r\nyear full of vitality. However, I am still here, alone with the\r\ncluster of books surrounded. It is late at night. Gusts of\r\nwind are whistling outside the window bout after bout. My\r\ncolleagues are falling in their deep sleep,\r\nbeing eager for their tomorrow trip back to their hometown to\r\nreunite with their mother and their master, but still I cannot sleep, because\r\nit is too cold or because I am sobbing of missing you.

Mom! This is the fifth Tet\r\nholiday when I do not go back home. I still remember the days that I\r\nstayed at home and prepared to package banh chung and cleaned house to welcome\r\nthe Tet holiday. The night of Lunar December 30th, I could enjoy watching the\r\nbanh chung pot, welcoming the New Year’s Eve, receiving the red envelopes and\r\ngoing to every house to wish everyone a Happy New Year. There is no drizzle\r\nhere and it is not bitter cold like the North. There are no peach\r\nflower, banh chung but there are yellow apricot flower and banh tet which\r\nI can still feel warm with.

When I was young, I could stay with you and dad; as the\r\nyoungest child, I was loved the most but I decided to leave to find out the\r\ntruth and the future that I dreamed about. When I was 19, I graduated the\r\nCultivation course and I left home for a monk when I had just 20. I\r\nhad left behind a bright future and a sufficient and happy life with my family\r\nwho really loved me so much; because of my strong will of cultivation. I\r\ndid not care about the humors and left home just 5 days after I had graduated.\r\nOvercoming nearly 2000 km long way, I brought along\r\nmy luggage consisting of some clothes, some of my stuff\r\nand your encouragement the most significant. People said that I was hiding\r\nfrom the life’s debt, being disloyal and shirking responsibilities. I would\r\nbe alright as long as I was not like whatever they said. Is it right,\r\nmom? I was so happy to be your child; I thanked to the life that gave me a\r\ngreat present of you and dad. Yet sometime heartlessness, I did not\r\nregard of it. That was the biggest assets that I could not spend it\r\nall in my lifetime.

In recent days, my colleagues and I have cleaned school and\r\nclasses to welcome the New Year, so everyone tried to finish it early to go\r\nhome. At daytime, I shared the happiness with them but I had to face the\r\nreality of the nostalgia which kept gnawing inside me at night. I did not cry\r\nbut the tears just kept falling, I will not stop them because the tears are the\r\ntrue feeling inside me. At the moment, I really miss you and I\r\nmiss your beating at me; at that time, I thought that\r\nyou hate me. Dad was afraid of me becoming taciturn\r\nand unfeeling, so he both took care of the family and nursed me for\r\nyou. He did everything that a mother could do to raise me.  He also\r\ntaught me how to be a domestic woman. He spent many hours to teach me how to\r\nsew a cleft shirt and how to solve a hard exercise. I love most when he stroke\r\nmy hair and complimented me on my good. Being the loved youngest child, I\r\nalways asked for everything and he met all my demands. It made you sad and you\r\nblamed that, ‘It will make me corrupt in the future and he must be responsible\r\nfor it’. He often smiled and said, ‘I know you better than anyone else do because\r\nyou are my daughter’.

When I was just born, I was sick and keep crying\r\nall day. You and dad took me everywhere to find any doctor who can cure me but\r\nit was useless. People said that if you want me to be cured, you must give me\r\naway. But you always wondered whether people who adopt me as their child will\r\nlove me as much as you do or whether they take care of me as good as you do\r\nbecause it is said that ‘different blood, intolerant heart’. Finally, you\r\ndecided to raise me yourself, what though how hard and how expensive it was…

Until the time I finished my school time and change to meet\r\nBuddhism and had enough blessing, you agreed to let me leave home and supported\r\nme a lot. Oh! Maternal love is so immense, isn’t it? You who just\r\ngave away without being regained. Yet I made you cry time after time.

‘I make my bow to apologize

Because of my undutifulness

Because I made you cry time after time

I make hundred thousand bows to apologize’

Mom! It is cold outside at night, the winds keep whistling\r\noutside the window and it is just like my mood. Now, I am far away from home\r\nand you, I feel inept and helpless. When lack of your love, I desire to have\r\ndishes that you cook yourself. Without you, I was not pampered like I was at\r\nhome, I have to be independent and take care of myself.

As time passing, I went for a short time and elder brother\r\nalso followed school here. When he met complete causal condition and the\r\nBuddhism and soon realized that life is impermanent and decided to leave home\r\nfor cultivation. Near the fatal day he became a monk, he\r\nthought that you, dad and I would be sad, so he asked me to visit home.\r\nAfter 2 days home, I knew his cultivation, I was really happy but I did not\r\nreveal. I did not want you to be sad because he was your only son and the\r\nlegitimate child of the family. After visiting home for two month, I went back\r\nto Ho Chi Minh city and decided to leave home for cultivation despite how much\r\nambition, intention and hope you put on me.

The day I left home, my brother did not know and I did not\r\ndare to let you know because I thought you would be sad. After everything had\r\nbeen done, I called and informed you. You were so happy when hearing it and\r\nsupported us a lot for our vows of cultivation. It was so\r\nfortunate that we cultivated and studied at the same pagoda and stayed\r\nonly 25 km apart. He loved me so much. He was afraid of me because I was\r\npampered at home and I could not defend for myself here. Once again, he\r\nhad to act like dad, mom and also my close friend to remind me when I was not\r\ngood. I remember when I have not left home, I was sick and felt in a coma and\r\nhad to go to the hospital in 3 days, he stayed awake for 3 days to take care of\r\nme. Until I left home, I was sent to school by the monk, I was sick again\r\nbecause I was not used to with the weather here, he hurried to visit me. Now, I\r\nam 25 years old but I am not matured at all. Isn’t it because I was\r\ntoo pampered … In all my life, I was covered with love from so\r\nmany people. How long it takes me to pay off all of this kindness.

Mom! I had to leave my future and my happiness for\r\ncultivation, but I do not dare back home to visit you now. It is not\r\nbecause I do not miss you or I do not love you. I am afraid after the time I go\r\nhome; I cannot go back the pagoda. I fear the love between us will hold me\r\ntight. I know that there is no love deeper and more sacred than motherhood.\r\nMany nights, my tears wetted the pillow because of missing you. But mom, I have\r\nto put my private love aside because I am now a nun, a messenger of the Buddha.\r\nI will do all my responsibilities as a cloisterer bringing the Dharma light to\r\nplaces where were covered by the darkness of sorrow. Even though it is\r\nvery hard to me but I will try to succeed with my will of cultivation and the\r\nsupport of my colleagues and especially yours.

My job now is different from normal people’s job. On Sunday\r\nand holidays, they can come back home with their loved ones, but we have to\r\ntake the benefit of time to do the Buddha tasks. In my holidays, I go back the\r\npagoda and help the nuns the kitchen tasks, I ration the meals (vegetarian\r\nfood) and give them to the Buddhists. Even though the work is small but I feel\r\nvery happy. With the ration, people can have an unwilling day and a happy mood.\r\nThat also the job I was handed over when I have not studied yet.

 Mom! A mother of my colleague leaves home for\r\ncultivation at my school today. Watching his bright face, I hurtfully remember\r\nyou and dad suffering though my brother and I left home. I wish I could be\r\nhappy like him, so you could live under the Buddha’s light without pain and\r\nsorrow.

 Mom! Although it is 5 years far ways from you, my\r\ncolleagues and Buddhists here love me so much that I also feel warm in spring\r\nwithout you. I thank the life that gave me you and dad, my priceless gifts, so\r\nthat I have more to love in life. Now, I am a nun, so I cannot stay aside and\r\ntake care of you and dad and give you a fully substantial life like others. I\r\njust can repay your merit by trying to cultivate to bring you closer to the\r\nDharma.

 I am the happiest person on earth because the day I\r\nleft home for cultivation is also the day you and dad knew Dharma, Triratna\r\nrefuge, giving alms, reciting sutras and eating vegetarian food. Every day, you\r\nrecite sutras and repeat Buddha’s name in order to transfer us to go all the Buddhist\r\nway. I tell myself to try harder to ease your minds when I am far away from\r\nhome. That is the task which every child has to be done, that is repaying\r\nfilial piety to parents.

Mom! Dharma teach us that everywhere on earth is our home,\r\npeople in three fold worlds and six paths are our multi-birth parents, so I\r\nmust fulfill the duties of a son. I vow to follow the example of Arhat\r\nMoggallana in order to compensate for the mistakes that I made you worried a\r\nlot about me. Each year has only one spring and only one Ullumbana season, but\r\nI vow to practise diligently so that every day is the Ullumbana day and the\r\nbright happiness is always on your faces and you will be proud of my brother\r\nand me. You gave me the warm maternal; the master taught me the mercifulness and\r\ncompassion for every creatures. I will bring them everywhere and give them to\r\npoor and unhappy lives.

This post with the emotion and felling of a filial piety\r\nchild, I hope I can share this to everyone who is stepping on this way; please\r\ntake one time to look back because parents is a priceless gift that the life\r\ngive you. Do not be indifferent to lose this gift because our parents are\r\nunique. Be confident to say love sincerely and you will see a warm shoulder and\r\na heavenly love. Say it even just one time, your parents will be extremely\r\nhappy when they hear the words of love from their little child.

For me! I am afraid of the impermanent that would come at\r\nany time, so I had already told you. Even though only through the hurried calls\r\nor the scrawly letters, you also felt warm when I was not at home. So whenever\r\nI do the Buddha’s task, I feel happy and comfortable because you always support\r\nme. This spring, I am not at home because of Buddha’s activities and\r\ncultivation, but I feel happy with your supporting calls and the love of my\r\ncolleagues and the Buddhists for me.

Finally, I would like to borrow a poem ‘Missing Mom’ by Mien\r\nThuy to send to everyone who luckily has both mom and dad alive, for you to see\r\nwhen you have both mom and dad beside you; you will have a heavenly love.

Whenever hearing the song

Feeling love mother so much

I have wandered my whole life

With the lonely tears falling


What I have to do now, Mom

With my whole wandering life

Keep missing my beloved mom

Keep crying lines of tears


I do cry again mommy

Just like my childhood before

How can I dry my tears mom

When I dream every night?


Your shoulders are thinner

With the heavy weight of life

It make me your own children

Feel painful all my body.


I will come back beside you

Drying all your sad-tearstreams

I wonder when it starts mom

The tears stop dropping.



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