Know Your Enemy – Part 3

Familiarity can stop this cycle of enemy-making. A recent study of prejudice revealed that mutual trust can catch on and spread between different racial groups just as quickly as suspicion does.

Through something known as the “extended-contact\r\neffect,” amity travels like a benign virus through opposing groups. This effect\r\nis so powerful that, according to researchers at the University of\r\nMassachusetts, bias can evaporate in a matter of hours. Peaceful exposure to\r\nthe Other. As just one example, a Palestinian-Jewish summer camp known as Oseh\r\nShalom–Sanea al-Salam enables Jewish and Arab youths and their families to\r\nspend time together in shared activities and dialogue amid natural surroundings.\r\nSuch organizations offer clues to how larger-scale initiatives might be devised\r\nto break down the us-versus-them stockade. We have to be able to enlarge the\r\nperspective with which we view the world if we hope to become truly empathic.\r\nThink of the Dalai Lama learning about Christianity from Archbishop Desmond\r\nTutu and Archbishop Tutu learning about Buddhism from the Dalai Lama. Neither\r\nof these spiritual masters appears to be out to convert the other, nor do the\r\nneed to agree in order to feel connected. Each

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maintains strong loyalty to his own traditions,\r\ncreed, and people, but they are very good friends who are not constrained by\r\nthe cult of either/or. Once we divide the world into us and them, self and\r\nother, even others we love right now may turn into enemies later on. All they\r\nhave to do is harm or displease us, and immediately we’ll fear and dislike\r\nthem. Taking action toward the good is the best way to expand our attention and\r\ndissolve the boundary of us-versus-them. Even simple things like working in a\r\nsoup kitchen and helping feed the hungry, or having thoughtful conversations\r\nwith the people next door, can ease feelings of separation from those who are\r\nunlike us on the surface. By aligning ourselves with issues larger than our own\r\nselfish concerns — “turning off the Me and turning on the We,” as Jonathan\r\nHaidt puts it — we transcend alienation through simple human contact. In the\r\nspirit of “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” more and more people start to seem\r\nlike our neighbors, and we learn in real terms how to love them. How we deal\r\nwith our enemies, then, is to see them as human beings and to see ourselves\r\nfrom their perspective,

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being conscious of our own prejudices and\r\npreoccupations and realizing that our enemies are operating out of their own\r\nprejudices and preoccupations. “Working with the Outer Enemy,” the exercise\r\nthat follows, will show you how you create outer enemies and how to reverse\r\nthat process. When it comes down to it, the outer enemy is a distraction.\r\nFocusing on someone who seems to have it in for us allows us to ignore the real\r\nenemy, the enemy within. But when we can see the enemy’s hatred as a challenge,\r\nit becomes a spur to our own growth, a gift to wake us from our complacency.\r\nThink of someone you don’t like, someone you feel real antipathy toward. It may\r\nbe someone you find frightening, someone you find challenging, someone you see\r\nas a rival, someone who has harmed you in some way. Bring the person clearly to\r\nmind and visualize them sitting before you. Really get in touch with your\r\nfeelings toward that person. Feel the anger or fear or distaste as it arises in\r\nyou. Now put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine being that person,\r\nsitting there looking at you. See yourself from your enemy’s perspective. Realize\r\nthat your enemy is mirroring your feelings toward them. Just as you see your\r\nenemy, your enemy sees you the same way. Perhaps you are jealous of them, if\r\nthey seem to be one-up and looking down at you. Or you may feel superior and\r\ntherefore have a condescending attitude toward the enemy. Look at yourself\r\nthrough eyes of jealousy, envy, competitiveness, and condescension. When you\r\nhave thoroughly immersed yourself in the negative feelings you have for your\r\nenemy and your enemy has for you, realize that you don’t have to harbor those\r\nfeelings. You can see your enemy in a different way. Try to imagine how their\r\nloved ones see them, how their child sees them, or their pet dog. If your enemy\r\nseems particularly bad, imagine how their partner in crime sees them — as an\r\nally, a co-conspirator, a friend. And then note how stressed your enemy feels\r\non seeing or thinking of you. It is the same stress that you feel when you see\r\nor think of your enemy.

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From\r\n“Love Your Enemies: How to Break the Anger Habit and Be a Whole Lot Happier,”\r\nby Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman. © 2013 by Sharon Salzberg and Robert\r\nThurman. Published with permission of Hay

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Sharon\r\nSalberg and Robert Thurman – Lion’s Roar