Missing you so much!

Update: 01/09/2021
 

Missing you so much!

 

While time passes as fast as the river does without return, mother’s love gently waits in silence. While time is supposedly unlimited, mom’s love is considered to be immeasurable. We can count what time or how many times, but we cannot measure mom’s love.

I left home to follow Buddha’s step for ten years during which my Mom’s eyes were full of tears and as missing me a lot.

I usually call my Mom once a month but it seems that the time is not long enough for me to miss her. She always asks me frequent questions: “How are you? You look like you're losing weight, right? Take care of yourself. Do you still have money to spend? When will you go home?”. However, to me, I do not feel bored with my Mom’s words. I know she loves me so much.

In the past, we misunderstood each other. Maybe Mom feels upset whenever I return home. Does she think I am not her son like before? The way I uphold the Buddhist precepts, it makes us feel apart when I return home.

But my love for my parents is still the same, it just changes a little inside. I am disciplined myself with the hope that my Mom and Dad could further believe in the Three Jewels.

Now I feel I am no longer attached too much to my parents. Returning or leaving home, I do not have an attachment to my parents like the days I was at home before. But it does not mean that my love is now as dry as the sand in the desert. I love them like the way Buddha taught us: Love someone in “the enlightenment shine”. Only those who follow Buddha’s path can understand what it means. But I believe that my parents still understand me, and we will love each other more in the near future.

I remember that Ullambana season when I returned home, I felt so warm there. Mom asked me two questions and I still remember them clearly:

-        “When you become a monk, do you still miss us, your parents?”

-        “Do you feel regretful about leaving home and becoming a monk?”

 

I replied:

-        “I miss you. I miss you whenever I finish my cultivation practices. Every day I pray to Buddha and the Three Jewels to protect you both, hoping you are healthy and diligent at your Buddhist practice.”

-        “I feel regretful for not becoming a monk sooner. When I returned to the temple, I know you felt lost, so you did not come to see me off at the airport. But Dad did. You stayed home in tears. I know you always feel like that whenever I have my trips home and leave. I want you to know that I am not so cool-headed that I feel nothing when saying goodbye to you two. Wherever I go, you are always here  in my heart, there is no distance between us”.

My path is in the opposite way to this life. I realize that my choice makes my mother feel painful. For years, she always follows my steps, but my mother does not want me to care for her. Mom always says she and her husband are good, but I know it is not always true. Once she was sick and hospitalized, she told everyone to keep it a secret. Mom is scared of disturbing my Buddhist practice. I just remember once she said she were tired while my father went away to visit my siblings in Tay Nguyen. I knew she needed me there with her, but I could not return as I would deliver a lecture to a temple in Nghe An Province the next morning. I was so worried about her that I could not sleep that night. I just prayed for her to be safe. The next morning, she said she was fine and I felt better, too. I hope that she will understand me, although I could not return, I still love her. I wonder if within a few years I cannot return home with mom and dad even once, so how many times will I see my parents? I wonder whether I could see my parents at the moment of death or not. I just strive to cultivate as a mirror for my parents to follow.

I love and care for my parents every day. Parents are always the foundation for me to overcome difficulties and build my desires in life.

I want to spend my whole life practicing Buddhism in order that my parents could believe in Buddha forever.

For this Ullambana Festival, I do not return home, but my mind is always with you, wishing you to be in peace and be diligent at your Buddhist cultivation practice. 

 

Tam Hiep

Translated into English by Nguyen Hoang Thoai

 
 

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